What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 05:11
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It was going to be , some day.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Would this be the day?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Can you share the entire summary of your spiritual life?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I write beautiful poetry .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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I don,t even have a pension.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We all went to grammer schools
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Was to survive, this bastard.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She married twice! .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My family never makes their pension either.
What did i know ?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But, we were locked up after school.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im still living with it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I said to her
Ive learnt so much.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I will be 64.
I think the readers, may guess!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Put me off passion for life!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
This is soul school!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She found it foreign!.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He knew the spot.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
She loved him until the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Who then, do I blame.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We were not on the streets..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But it wasn’t much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Comes on , in middle age.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was in good health!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
(And it was in our own minds.)